I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
