sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
