How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
