I wish my penis had an off switch
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
