I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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