I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
