u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm getting married
To pizza
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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