Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!