God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
