the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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