so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
