i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
