i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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