Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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