My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
foreskin is a definite game changer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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