I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
