I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
