I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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