FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
