Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize