This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
