They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
