i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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