my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
