Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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