A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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