I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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