the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
