I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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