I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
