you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
