Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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