Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
