cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
