you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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