nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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