I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Found your dick twin last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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