You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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