this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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