I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
