i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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