You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
