I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
