You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
