I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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