If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
