She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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