My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The best revenge is premature balding
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
