I love black thongs
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
