i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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