So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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