So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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