Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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