apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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