Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
