i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
