I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
