I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
