My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
