So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
